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Parenting Resource of the Month:
This is part two of an article written by an expert in youth ministry who believes in the critical
importance of parents and their role in the spiritual development of their young people. I have a
great deal of respect for him and I hope you find these tips helpful. The first half of the 20 rules
article can be found in the archive.
The article came from the HomeWord parenting e-newsletter. If you'd like to check out more, visit:
www.homeword.com
20 Rules for Parents of Adolescents
By Jim Burns, Ph.D.
AAdolescence, the period between childhood and adulthood, has grown longer in our time. Kids are
experiencing puberty earlier and staying connected to their parents later in life than previous
generations. Thus, adolescence in many instances can be just as tough a season on parents as it
is on the kids!
Recently, I interviewed Dr. Kevin Leman, the internationally known author and speaker for our
radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns, about his new book, Running the Rapids. In the book,
Dr. Leman wrote a chapter titled "20 Rules for Surviving Your Kids' Adolescence." In this tip
sheet, we're passing along Dr. Leman's rules along with some of my own comments.
- Don’t Act Like A Teenager. You’re not one. Your kids know it. They are counting on
you to act like a grown-up.
- Give Them Choices. Adult life is full of choices. Help your kids move towards independence
by making sure they have opportunities to make choices and to learn from the consequences of their choices.
While practice may not make perfect, giving kids choices will help them learn how to make good decisions.
- Don't Snowplow Their School Road. This refers to allowing kids to be responsible for
their own homework and school activities. Too many parents get involved in helping their kids with
these – and unintentionally get in the way of the growth process their kids need to experience. While
your kids need your encouragement, make sure you are teaching them about accountability and responsibility
through their assignments and commitments.
- Don’t Show Them Off or Embarrass Them. Okay, as parents, we tend toward one or the other
of these extremes. Either we want to show off our kids for what a great job they’ve done on something
(it makes us feel good about ourselves, make no mistake!) or we embarrass our kids in front of others
because they’ve messed up or disappointed us. There are times for praise and times for rebuke, but make
sure these are done in the right place and the right time.
- Don’t Pick At Flaws. Teens are painfully aware of their shortcomings. Generally,
they don’t need parents to remind them constantly of their weaknesses, failures and flaws. Nagging
and criticizing doesn’t make the list when it comes to effective parenting skills!
- Don’t Spit In Their Soup. Dr. Leman says that this is "when you add a little
tagalong that has no other purpose than to make your teen feel guilty." An example: "Sure son,
you can go to the game tonight. I'm glad someone in our family gets to go out and have fun.
I'll be mowing the lawn."
- Don't Talk In Volumes. Some parents just lie in wait for an opportunity to unload
verbally to offer advice and instruction. Don’t make every moment in life a "teachable" one. If your
child needs new shoes and asks for them, you don’t have to explain the proper way to walk to maximize
the life of the shoes.
- Don’t Smother Them With Praise. While I think appropriate praise is important, if
you heap too much praise on kids, they can hear the unintended message that you love them only when
they perform at a high level. Find ways to praise and encourage without tying it to a specific
performance or building up unrealistic hopes.
- Don’t Make Icebergs Out Of Icicles. Just a reminder to season your parenting
with grace. We all make mistakes. We all have fallen short. Learn to extend the same grace to your
kids that you would like others to extend to you.
- Handle Hassles Healthily. Conflict between parents and kids from time to time is
a fact of life. These times can either be a path to communication blockage and unloving behavior, or
it can be a path to deeper communication, greater understanding, and loving behavior. Working through
the conflict takes more emotional involvement than avoiding conflict, but it is the loving way to care
for yourself, as well as your child.
(Adapted from the book, Running the Rapids by Dr. Kevin Leman)
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